Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Closest Thing To Crazy

Isn't it amazing when you think about how two strangers cross path in life. It might be a coincidence, it might happen at the perfect time, to me it's Fate. With chemistry, strangers become friends, I do remember what it's like to have butterflies in my stomach, how nervous I am during our first date, and how I blushed when I kissed him for the first time.

Slowly the walls came down, secretly you let your guards down. Just the thought of that person makes you feel that no day is a bad no matter how horrible it is. A phone call, a text, an e-mail and even just a silly tweet can actually brighten up your day. What a feeling!

The littlest thing like grocery shopping together, turn on the music while you are cooking together, waking up next to each other and to have the spaces in between your fingers being filled up with his. Things which are so simple yet so wonderful. He has become a part of your life, the attachment is there, the feelings are there.

Then one day you wake up and everything is gone, people changed, feelings changed. I could sense that something is changing, something is missing, I could feel the fear and insecurities eating me up inside. The signs are there but I refused to accept it. Bit by bit, it makes me lose my sanity, my mind is so clouded that I couldn't even tell what is right and what is wrong. All I could think about is how can I fix it, how can I make things right again. The pain...I have no words to describe it. It's almost like dying slowly in the most painful way inside even though I am perfectly fine on the outside. It may sound so pathetic to so many people, self-pride, ego and dignity are nothing because I am in love, I am honestly in love with this person.

There are two sides to every story. On my part, I want to make him happy, I want us to be us again, I am ready to be a better person, all I want is to love and to be loved in return. But things don't work that way, if a person wanted out, he will find a way out. What's the point of wanting a person to stay If that is not what he wants, I am not what he wants. To love is to be selfless, to love is wanting the other person to feel happy, to give him the freedom to do what he wants to and to not hold him back just because I wanted to be with him. Nothing is more terrifying than to know that his heart has change. It wasn't easy for me to accept, and on the other hand I try to put myself in that person's shoes, I guess it wasn't easy for him as well to tell me he didn't want to do it anymore. 

Truth is, what is love? Will a person just wakes up one day and decided to not love you anymore. Or perhaps there is someone better who wipes you out from his heart. I don't know, I will never understand and I don't have to. Some questions are better left unanswered if the answers are not gonna do any help especially when you are in an emotional wreck.

It takes two..not one, not three. No one is right, and no one is wrong when things fall apart. No fingers pointing, no hate speeches, no grudges. There will only be acceptance. Everything happen for a reason, and  the only way I could make myself feel better is to find the blessings in disguise, learn and really move on. Not much option left anyway..

It's time for my heart to go on a long hibernation, it has been damaged enough. It's funny how it's really circle after all, it begin with being strangers and ended as strangers.

Sometimes the best thing you could do for a person is really just to let them go. And by that I mean, letting go with love.

I wish you love and all the best things in life.
♫ of the moment:  Corinne Bailey Rae -Just Like A Star

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

My heart officially died today

“Have you ever been in love?
 Horrible isn't it?
 It makes you so vulnerable. 
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and 
it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
 You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. 
They didn't ask for it. 
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, 
and then your life isn't your own anymore.

 Love takes hostages
.It gets inside you. 
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, 
so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. 

It hurts.
 Not just in the imagination. 
Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. 

I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman