Funeral Monologue

“Everything is more complicated than you think, you only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make, you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you wont know for twenty years and you may never ever trace it to its source and you only get one chance to play it out… just try and figure out your own divorce.

And they say there is no fate; but there is: it is what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second, most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born; but while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look, from someone or something to make it alright… but it never comes, but it seems to but it doesn't really.

So you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along, something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved; and the truth is: I feel so angry! And the truth is: I feel so fucking sad! And the truth is: I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I’ve been pretending I’m ok, just to get along just for… I dont know why.

Maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery; because they have their own.

Well: fuck everybody!

Amen.”

Drifting in and out

Hello my old friend..

A year is a very long time to mourn, feels like forever for the person who is in grief. A laughing stock to the world who doesn't understand a single thing. All these sad songs, sometimes I wonder if one must have been so badly broken hearted to be able to write such songs. I save myself from drowning by emerging into work, I keep myself busy and by the time I got home, I was mentally exhausted and by living that way, it makes it so much easier for me to sleep. And boy, it feels good to be able to sleep. I had the worst Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year in 2012, Valentine's day this year was way out of the picture and I didn't even want to remember my birthday. I have vowed to not celebrate my stupid birthday anymore. I grab every single chance to go out with my friends, I drank almost every weekend in the past 2 months, I have successfully cheated my mind and distracted my heart. Not for long, but a temporarily relief is better than nothing. I've even managed to fool the world.

Forgetting is hard, so I've chosen to not think of things which are too painful to remember. But it hits like a boomerang at times, the more you avoids it, the harder it hits you back. That happened so often recently, memories came tapping on my shoulder, begging me to remember. All the emotions I have tried so hard erupted and there's nothing else I could do but to break down crying. It wasn't pleasant and it was probably the worst feeling one human could ever feel. My best friend Jon always say "we are the victims of unrequited love".

We forgive as we love, but...can a person honestly love such a dishonest thing..I've realized that some people will never change, nor honor their words. And this time around, it has finally taken the last stroll on me. I have nothing left for this person to crush nor destroy...

The Laughing Heart

I despise nights like this, my old friend insomnia has decided to surprise me without being invited. Brand new month, boy how 2013 ticks away. By all means, I am trying to spend lesser time on Facebook, most of my friends are in a wedding marathon, everyone is either busy getting married or posting up pictures of their babies. And that makes me feel old and bitter. 

Been doing a lot of research on non profit organizations. I wish I could just get away somewhere, do some volunteering work in a third world country. Meet new people, live in a new town and break the routine life here in Kuala Lumpur. It's funny and at the same time sad how I can't even afford on the courses which I stumble across on the internet. But I won't give up, I hope the opportunity will come real soon. 

At the mean time..here's my favorite poem by Charles Bukowski:

"Your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is a light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you."

 If music is what feelings sound like: Slowdive - When the Sun Hits

Life is Beautiful

The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.

 Through my camera, I am trying to find joy in the ordinary. :)

The glow in the eyes of the bride waiting for her groom

Cloud Watching

Non profit organizations :)

Acting ridiculous in public with your best friend and have a good laugh at it. I am a grumpy minion by the way 

Music has never been so good, I adore them. Their music is pure and genuine. Beautiful

I sold my soul, My friends bought it back for me

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself."  - Carrie Bradshaw

And through my darkest days, I find the glimpse of light through my friends. I wouldn't have make it without them. Sayings about friendship are cliche and overused. Life can be cruel, reality bites and there are days when I begin to wonder if I am a bad person to have to feel what I am feeling today, and I begin to question what have I done wrong to deserve this pain I have to go through.

Then I realized, life is fair because I am blessed with unconditional love from my friends.
And for that I know in their eyes, I am a good person.

                    If music is what feelings sound like: Katie Melua - No Fear Of Heights

A Stranger's home without a heart

I called in sick today, I hope I won't be in trouble as I have been doing it so frequently this year. Mentally unfit to report for work is an unacceptable reason, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed and I didn't want to go to work looking the way I am now. I refrained from writing because my emotions tend to take over when I write, I stayed away from anything which will trigger my memory.

A good friend once said, it feels good didn't it, when you have finally gained back your appetite, or simple thing like being able to fall asleep nicely. Those are the littlest things we've been taking for granted when we're happy. For a while there, I was really grateful I am able to sleep without being woken up with an ache in my heart. For a while there, I thought hey I am finally ready to see my friends, I am able to laugh and smile again. And just for that a while, I have been feeling alright and just when I thought that feeling would last, something happened again. A promise which meant a lot  was broken, and he did not realize how it breaks me. Does contacting that person worth losing me?  The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth. I am hurt, I am really really hurt. And it scares me because I didn't want to go back to square one, I have tried so hard through out this entire year to not feel that way again. I am terrified because I have started to lose sleep again for the past few nights. I broke down in the car yesterday, I was so ashamed because I didn't want my mum to see me cry. I feel like I have been everyone's burden, they didn't know how to save me because I couldn't save myself. God knows how hard I've tried, how many unheard prayers in my sleepless nights, I did not ask for anything, I just ask and pray to be ok.

I feel empty, like a walking dead without a soul. I told everyone I did not want to celebrate my birthday this year. In fact I have decided to not celebrate my birthdays anymore. On 2nd of July, I went to work, I pushed myself to work so I won't stay at home and be miserable. I was waiting for that call, I was hoping that he would have at least remembered. It's not just my birthday, 2 years ago this was the day we met. That call never came, instead I received a casual one line generic birthday message on my Facebook. At that moment, I told myself, enough of grief already. Mourn, for the old me for she has died. It has been a year without light, I don't know how many times have I died this year. That night before I went to bed, as I close my eyes, I remembered how funny it was when we met. He said the dumbest thing and it crack a smile on my face. And as tears are rolling down again, I push away all the memories for this person has changed. 

I told my friends I am fine, I lied. I have been lying to everyone but not to him. Because I didn't even want to tell him how I am really doing. I avoided the questions because I couldn't lie and say I am doing great, I wasn't. And if I were to tell him the truth, it will only make him feel bad and obliged.

I cut my hair twice this year, it took me 3 long years to get to my length and it took only minutes to chop it all off. As cliche as it sound, I thought by cutting off anything which is weighing me down will make me feel lighter inside. It did not, I find it silly how women who are going through difficult times think by cutting off their hair resembles a fresh start. It makes me feel crappier inside to be honest. I feel like smashing the mirror whenever I look at my own reflection. I felt stupid.

My best friend said to me this morning "He did not leave you by force, he choose to leave you, it was by choice and he has left you long time ago"  What amused me the most is, despite all the pain, I am still very much in love with a person who does not and will not love me back I am too blind to see that he is too deaf to hear me. And when I hurt, I hurt alone. He has moved on, he seems to be doing great and I am glad he did. I am stuck in the same pace, I took one or two steps forward and ended up running a mile backwards. Which finally lead me to make the hardest move by choosing to cut myself off completely. Staying as friends hurts me, it makes me feel like I care and he doesn't and I didn't want him to be nice to me out of sympathy  It makes no sense, and I tend to forget what I am and what I am not. I am only an ex. I belong in the past. And above all it is because I know the longer I linger, the more it will hurt me. What really hurt me most is, he couldn't be bothered to protect me from this emotional mess I am going through,and to realize I am not needed, nor am I important breaks me inside out. I can't afford to go through another emotional breakdown. 

I get the picture now.

                 If music is what feelings sound like: Jason Mraz- Details in The fabric

Markéta Irglová - Divine Timing

Time, how does it go? 

Sometimes fast, other times slow

But when I’m with you, time disappears

Weeks can feel like days, days can feel like years

I stood with you, time stood still.

Can you kill time? Can time kill?

Can we stay in our timeless romance? 

Freedom, what does it mean?

Is it worth being chased or does it come from within? 

Having the freedom of choice, isn’t that being free? 

Could you freely choose to be bound to me? 

When I met you, the planets did align, 

and is it not true, the timing was divine? 

Too soon is as bad as too late, 

Yet here we are, and was it not fate?

That brought you to me, that brought me to you? 

I will be good, I will be true, 

But I will not tie our love in chains

We can run wild if neither pulls the reins

We can run free and have adventures of our own

Take the time, if you need to be alone

Silence is more beautiful than Lies

Silence is painful but Lies..it might be comforting, in fact a temporary relief but lies are still lies, there will be no truth in it.

 Even the most sincere words and genuine feelings loses it's power. I could sit and write until I bleed. But will it be heard or understood? I am trying very hard, everyday to be happy. Very hard...

Bright side of my week is I am finally spending more time with Clementine (my camera has a name Yay), in an ugly word, here are 3 beautiful things (to me it is) which I have managed to capture.

If Music is what Feelings sound like

Joy

Meeting up with my girlfriends last night made me realize how amazing what a year can do. It's funny how close we become, I met all of them at Veronica's wedding, we're all her bridesmaid. They were all school mates and Pei Qi is Veronica's Uni mate. Now we're all best friends.

At Chantelle's birthday dinner, I'm amazed by how things have changed in everyone's life. Last year, all of them are excited about their weddings. This year, 3 of them are already happily married, Pei Qi met Sean, Joe just welcome her baby girl and Veronica is now 6 months pregnant.



Chantelle and her husband were schoolmates since they were 13, she have always had a crush on him but he didn't knew. She was a tomboy, and he was always making fun of her. The spark did not start a fire back then. Few years later, after high school was way past tense, only they bump into each other, started contacting again, dated and got married this year. It was really meant to be.

Everyone is glowing in happiness. At all gatherings, weddings, birthday dinners, I attended solo. They know I am going through a rough year so to cheer me up they jokingly said, "Who knows by next year, you won't be sitting alone, perhaps the empty chair next to you will be taken" and I just laugh it off and say "Happiness is expensive, and I could not afford it. But I am saving up to buy a spinster home and perhaps I could adopt a cat which is as grumpy as me."



One of the most wonderful feeling - watching your best friend venturing into another great chapter of life. Veron and Andrew's baby boy is on his way :)

Some people are so blessed. 

♫ of the moment: Fleetwood Mac - Dreams 

Electric Bird

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

The kindest message I have received from a dear friend, I am deeply moved. It made me cry and at the same time it made smile.

"Jasmine the flower, the girl who brighten up the days of people around her, even when the light in her own is dimming

1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Don't write for anyone. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. 

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to the world. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental society anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. Live.

Live Jasmine Live.."