I called in sick today, I hope I won't be in trouble as I have been doing it so frequently this year. Mentally unfit to report for work is an unacceptable reason, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed and I didn't want to go to work looking the way I am now. I refrained from writing because my emotions tend to take over when I write, I stayed away from anything which will trigger my memory.
A good friend once said, it feels good didn't it, when you have finally gained back your appetite, or simple thing like being able to fall asleep nicely. Those are the littlest things we've been taking for granted when we're happy. For a while there, I was really grateful I am able to sleep without being woken up with an ache in my heart. For a while there, I thought hey I am finally ready to see my friends, I am able to laugh and smile again. And just for that a while, I have been feeling alright and just when I thought that feeling would last, something happened again. A promise which meant a lot was broken, and he did not realize how it breaks me. Does contacting that person worth losing me? The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth. I am hurt, I am really really hurt. And it scares me because I didn't want to go back to square one, I have tried so hard through out this entire year to not feel that way again. I am terrified because I have started to lose sleep again for the past few nights. I broke down in the car yesterday, I was so ashamed because I didn't want my mum to see me cry. I feel like I have been everyone's burden, they didn't know how to save me because I couldn't save myself. God knows how hard I've tried, how many unheard prayers in my sleepless nights, I did not ask for anything, I just ask and pray to be ok.
I feel empty, like a walking dead without a soul. I told everyone I did not want to celebrate my birthday this year. In fact I have decided to not celebrate my birthdays anymore. On 2nd of July, I went to work, I pushed myself to work so I won't stay at home and be miserable. I was waiting for that call, I was hoping that he would have at least remembered. It's not just my birthday, 2 years ago this was the day we met. That call never came, instead I received a casual one line generic birthday message on my Facebook. At that moment, I told myself, enough of grief already. Mourn, for the old me for she has died. It has been a year without light, I don't know how many times have I died this year. That night before I went to bed, as I close my eyes, I remembered how funny it was when we met. He said the dumbest thing and it crack a smile on my face. And as tears are rolling down again, I push away all the memories for this person has changed.
I told my friends I am fine, I lied. I have been lying to everyone but not to him. Because I didn't even want to tell him how I am really doing. I avoided the questions because I couldn't lie and say I am doing great, I wasn't. And if I were to tell him the truth, it will only make him feel bad and obliged.
I cut my hair twice this year, it took me 3 long years to get to my length and it took only minutes to chop it all off. As cliche as it sound, I thought by cutting off anything which is weighing me down will make me feel lighter inside. It did not, I find it silly how women who are going through difficult times think by cutting off their hair resembles a fresh start. It makes me feel crappier inside to be honest. I feel like smashing the mirror whenever I look at my own reflection. I felt stupid.
My best friend said to me this morning "He did not leave you by force, he choose to leave you, it was by choice and he has left you long time ago" What amused me the most is, despite all the pain, I am still very much in love with a person who does not and will not love me back I am too blind to see that he is too deaf to hear me. And when I hurt, I hurt alone. He has moved on, he seems to be doing great and I am glad he did. I am stuck in the same pace, I took one or two steps forward and ended up running a mile backwards. Which finally lead me to make the hardest move by choosing to cut myself off completely. Staying as friends hurts me, it makes me feel like I care and he doesn't and I didn't want him to be nice to me out of sympathy It makes no sense, and I tend to forget what I am and what I am not. I am only an ex. I belong in the past. And above all it is because I know the longer I linger, the more it will hurt me. What really hurt me most is, he couldn't be bothered to protect me from this emotional mess I am going through,and to realize I am not needed, nor am I important breaks me inside out. I can't afford to go through another emotional breakdown.
I get the picture now.