Eating glass and waiting to see how much blood you will throw up

Out of good intention, a friend sent me this clip because she said she heard the song I always listen to (Youth by Daughter) at the ending. I don't watch Grey's Anatomy but I heard the series featured really good songs. As I have been downloading the featured ost for a long time, I clicked play to watch it...Not a good idea.



The scene is so real and when she burst out crying on the bed, so did I in my office cubicle. It was really heart wrenching. Cheating indeed is a horrible thing, having the thoughts to cheat when a person is clear of how it will completely ruin the other person's trust is equally painful. No matter what the reason is, this one mistake can completely damage a person, it haunts for life and the scar takes a lifetime to heal.

My Best Friends' Weddings

According to Chinese legend, the deity in charge of "the red thread" is believed to be Yuè Xià Lǎo ,  the old lunar matchmaker god who is also in charge of marriages.

The two souls tied up by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. 

 I once asked a good friend a silly question, what makes her want to get married and her answer is "I got tired of searching and endlessly dating the wrong people. With him, I knew right away that I have found the one"

Growing up in a broken family, I have never believed in marriage. Mum told me how my dad promises her the world. She believed he would take her away from hell, my  mum has gone through a bad childhood and I won’t write much about that now because I have much respect and love for my late grandparents. My dad turns his back and walked out on us when I was 6, leaving my mum with 3 children to raise by herself. He puts her in hell and what kind of man would abandon his family? A coward. In my teenage years, I watched how my mum’s sister was cheated by her husband with her best friend and ended up in a divorce. My aunt has been dating her ex husband since she was 15, it was a bitter ending but the women in my family are strong..well except me..

Last year, I was running the bridesmaid marathon. I watched how my friends and their partners embraced a new chapter of life. Weddings are beautiful, in fact it's a celebration of love and that's where you get to hear the most emotional and powerful vows. The last wedding I attended in January, I was busy checking my phone to see if there's any calls or texts. It has been days and there is no reply to all my E-mails and texts, no return calls.. In the dinner reception, one can feel so lost and empty even when you are surrounded by friends. It was one of the worst feeling, I wish I could erase how I felt on that night.

I guess it must be wonderful to be able to grow old with the person you love.
Someone who sees a future with you, a man who will not destroy you.

In my dreams, we grow old together

  ♫ of the moment:  The Shins - Simple song

Closest Thing To Crazy

Isn't it amazing when you think about how two strangers cross path in life. It might be a coincidence, it might happen at the perfect time, to me it's Fate. With chemistry, strangers become friends, I do remember what it's like to have butterflies in my stomach, how nervous I am during our first date, and how I blushed when I kissed him for the first time.

Slowly the walls came down, secretly you let your guards down. Just the thought of that person makes you feel that no day is a bad no matter how horrible it is. A phone call, a text, an e-mail and even just a silly tweet can actually brighten up your day. What a feeling!

The littlest thing like grocery shopping together, turn on the music while you are cooking together, waking up next to each other and to have the spaces in between your fingers being filled up with his. Things which are so simple yet so wonderful. He has become a part of your life, the attachment is there, the feelings are there.

Then one day you wake up and everything is gone, people changed, feelings changed. I could sense that something is changing, something is missing, I could feel the fear and insecurities eating me up inside. The signs are there but I refused to accept it. Bit by bit, it makes me lose my sanity, my mind is so clouded that I couldn't even tell what is right and what is wrong. All I could think about is how can I fix it, how can I make things right again. The pain...I have no words to describe it. It's almost like dying slowly in the most painful way inside even though I am perfectly fine on the outside. It may sound so pathetic to so many people, self-pride, ego and dignity are nothing because I am in love, I am honestly in love with this person.

There are two sides to every story. On my part, I want to make him happy, I want us to be us again, I am ready to be a better person, all I want is to love and to be loved in return. But things don't work that way, if a person wanted out, he will find a way out. What's the point of wanting a person to stay If that is not what he wants, I am not what he wants. To love is to be selfless, to love is wanting the other person to feel happy, to give him the freedom to do what he wants to and to not hold him back just because I wanted to be with him. Nothing is more terrifying than to know that his heart has change. It wasn't easy for me to accept, and on the other hand I try to put myself in that person's shoes, I guess it wasn't easy for him as well to tell me he didn't want to do it anymore. 

Truth is, what is love? Will a person just wakes up one day and decided to not love you anymore. Or perhaps there is someone better who wipes you out from his heart. I don't know, I will never understand and I don't have to. Some questions are better left unanswered if the answers are not gonna do any help especially when you are in an emotional wreck.

It takes two..not one, not three. No one is right, and no one is wrong when things fall apart. No fingers pointing, no hate speeches, no grudges. There will only be acceptance. Everything happen for a reason, and  the only way I could make myself feel better is to find the blessings in disguise, learn and really move on. Not much option left anyway..

It's time for my heart to go on a long hibernation, it has been damaged enough. It's funny how it's really circle after all, it begin with being strangers and ended as strangers.

Sometimes the best thing you could do for a person is really just to let them go. And by that I mean, letting go with love.

I wish you love and all the best things in life.
♫ of the moment:  Corinne Bailey Rae -Just Like A Star

My heart officially died today

“Have you ever been in love?

 Horrible isn't it?

 It makes you so vulnerable. 

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and 

it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

 You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. 

They didn't ask for it. 

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, 

and then your life isn't your own anymore.

 Love takes hostages

.It gets inside you. 

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, 

so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. 

It hurts.

 Not just in the imagination. 

Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. 

I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

I wrote this for you DumbDumb

Sometimes I wonder if God has his own team of designers to draw our story line and a team of writers to write our destiny. 2nd July 2011, it was my birthday night, I met a wonderful person. I have just crawled out from a bad relationship, and in the midst of healing, he walked into my miserable life. In another word, I think God gave him to me as my birthday gift.

I never have any luck in relationships. What I went through turn me into a cynic, but he came and he showed what it's like to be loved. He tried his best to keep me happy. He was the best gift I have ever received in life. I love him but It was my biggest mistake of not showing him that I do, I made him believe that I have been taking him granted. I made him believe that I have been taking selfishly when all he did was give.  And now here I am writing this, knowing that I have lost him and there is nothing I could do to turn back time. And it hurts, I can feel every part of me breaking inside.

Everything we own is temporary, it's on loan and it can be taken back at any time. If you love a person, you tell them everyday when you have the chance.  

I love you Hamed and I am sorry.

“I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens.” - Charlie Brown

Setting fire to our insides for fun

What happen to the girl in the picture..She used to be so happy

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong

♫ of the moment: Daughter - Youth

Into the rabbit hole

This too shall pass....

I've been down with pneumonia for the past 2 weeks. Up and down with fever, my body feels like it's going to fall into pieces and the horrible cough and not forgetting the dreadful medicines. I lay down in bed everyday feeling a patient on her deathbed.  Funny, how I used to think that pneumonia only happens in cold countries. 

It’s raining almost every day, the weather is as depressing as how I felt inside. This has been the hardest time for me and to have to go through it all by myself. 

How I wish we had Autumn over here.

♫ of the moment: The XX - Angels

Une Année Sans Lumière

I know I have been gone for almost 7 months! Here's 7 Happy Things I would love to share. Just a quick update, I will blog all about it in details soon ♥

  1.Gave my hair a major makeover! Dip Dye YAY! However,  it was supposed to be pink but ended getting a red hot foxtail instead.

Awesome job did by The Met Studio, Kuala Lumpur.

       Had an amazing 10 months ride in LivingSocial Malaysia. Joined them as their editor and gotten the opportunity to work with the most amazing editorial team ever. They are more than colleagues, they are my new found best friends and we work together like a family!

3. Visited Universal Studio, Singapore last month. Had so much fun with the girls



4. My shopping trip in Bangkok. Love the culture, the friendly people and the exotic food

                  5.  My best friend Veronica got married and I am one the bridesmaid

6. Been together with my fat boy for more than a year now

7. Discovered this amazing band, alt-J (∆). Your mind will be blown away I swear, their music will be stuck in your head for days, or weeks. Do check them out.

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

This Chinese New Year, we volunteered at the old folks at Silver Jubilee Home for the Aged. We youngsters complain about everything in our life, food is not good, clothes are not enough, weather is too hot. It was the second day of this big festive season among the Chinese, spend one day with them and you will see how lucky you are to have a family, to have food on your table and to have shelter or should I say a home. 

 The volunteers, my sisters and I and their friends

First we helped out those who are still healthy and strong with their lunch. 

Then we moved on to the ward, now that was the hardest part because everyone tried so hard not to cry in front of them. Some of them are so ill, they could not even get up from their bed. But I see a lot of happy faces when they see us. Most of them keep thanking us for coming.

 Joyce distributing red packets to everyone

I have a weakness when it comes to old people, the regret of not appreciating my late Grandparents when they were still around, the pain of losing them which I have not completely recovered from. In my humble personal opinion I just don't understand people who could have the heart to send their parents or family to a 'Home". I just don't get  how they can come with so much reasons and excuses to abandon their family for their own convenience in life.

 The nurse on duty insisted that we should meet this lady who has just turned a hundred recently, despite her age, she loves to chat and suddenly she burst out crying, I remember her holding my sister's hand and asked if any of us have seen her family. We had no idea at first but in the end we kinda figured out that all she wished was for her family to come and visit her.

Just remember that your parents did not give you up during hardship when you're young therefore you have no reason to give them up when they are old and helpless. Have a heart.

♫ of the moment: The Beatles - As My Guitar Gently Weeps

FriYAY - Picture should paint happiness

Friday has always been my favorite day of the week.
And so I've decided that every 5th day of the week I will share 5 random things which made me smile.
Here we go

Cotton candy (pink cloud machine)

Letter, train tickets and charms from Japan ( Thanks Ekoy )

Pretty flowers

Pretending to be white rabbits

Last but not least, my current fav song