My heart stopped beating And when it stops it stops

I find it kinda funny how I could write better when I am angry or upset. But I find it even funnier that I don’t feel a thing but I have so much in mind right now, I just feel like writing today. So here I am

Looking back at my old posts before I hit the delete button. I don’t know if I should laugh at my old self , the little angry teen who writes endless emo posts , the love fool who writes with too much emotion or the hypocrite who try too hard to please everyone. I wear different masks around different people every day. I could not explain how my heart and head were at war, so many contradictions in what I say and what I do.

As much as I wish to be the girl with the golden heart, as much as I wish I could be as kind as I once were years ago. I have changed, people changed for better or worse. We all know in life, we will be hurt,, back stabbed by people who meant the world to us. If it's a broken arm, leg or bone, its going to hurt but it will heal. People who are broken inside sometimes are the happiest people on the outside, we cover our pain with smiles and laughter. How to recover from all the hurting? I guess I have no idea. Even the heart of gold can turn as cold as stone if it has been wounded in way too many times. I know some people will say yeah big deal, why can't she grow up and stop being so pathetic. Well tell me about it when you know how it feels like to be crying at night wishing you can sleep so your mind will stop working, and when you wake up in the morning you wish you could crawl back into bed again. I went through that for the past months.

I've been living my life half asleep.

And again, this is my personal blog, I may rant all I want.

I like building walls around my world. I feel safer this way. I tear it down once or twice and realize it was the biggest mistake so I built it higher and higher. People who care enough will find a way to knock it down, people who don't will just give up after a few tries. And, in the end if I keep on allowing myself to be defeated by my own insecurity and lack of trust in people, I know might end up hurting people who actually care and I might end up pushing them away.

"You said I began
This messy state of love affair
And I drink too much and smoke too fast
And this city's cleared my innocence
And I laugh out loud
My life is a mess
I have gone too far
In my lifelessness "

I find it kinda funny how I could write better when I am angry or upset. But I find it even funnier that I don’t feel a thing but I have so much in mind right now, I just feel like writing today. So here I am

Looking back at my old posts before I hit the delete button. I don’t know if I should laugh at my old self , the little angry teen who writes endless emo posts , the love fool who writes with too much emotion or the hypocrite who try too hard to please everyone. I wear different masks around different people every day. I could not explain how my heart and head were at war, so many contradictions in what I say and what I do.

As much as I wish to be the girl with the golden heart, as much as I wish I could be as kind as I once were years ago. I have changed, people changed for better or worse. We all know in life, we will be hurt,, back stabbed by people who meant the world to us. If it's a broken arm, leg or bone, its going to hurt but it will heal. People who are broken inside sometimes are the happiest people on the outside, we cover our pain with smiles and laughter. How to recover from all the hurting? I guess I have no idea. Even the heart of gold can turn as cold as stone if it has been wounded in way too many times. I know some people will say yeah big deal, why can't she grow up and stop being so pathetic. Well tell me about it when you know how it feels like to be crying at night wishing you can sleep so your mind will stop working, and when you wake up in the morning you wish you could crawl back into bed again. I went through that for the past months.

I've been living my life half asleep.

And again, this is my personal blog, I may rant all I want.

I like building walls around my world. I feel safer this way. I tear it down once or twice and realize it was the biggest mistake so I built it higher and higher. People who care enough will find a way to knock it down, people who don't will just give up after a few tries. And, in the end if I keep on allowing myself to be defeated by my own insecurity and lack of trust in people, I know might end up hurting people who actually care and I might end up pushing them away.

"You said I began
This messy state of love affair
And I drink too much and smoke too fast
And this city's cleared my innocence
And I laugh out loud
My life is a mess
I have gone too far
In my lifelessness "