Monday, 5 September 2011

My heart stopped beating And when it stops it stops

I find it kinda funny how I could write better when I am angry or upset. But I find it even funnier that I don’t feel a thing but I have so much in mind right now, I just feel like writing today. So here I am

Looking back at my old posts before I hit the delete button. I don’t know if I should laugh at my old self , the little angry teen who writes endless emo posts , the love fool who writes with too much emotion or the hypocrite who try too hard to please everyone. I wear different masks around different people every day. I could not explain how my heart and head were at war, so many contradictions in what I say and what I do.

As much as I wish to be the girl with the golden heart, as much as I wish I could be as kind as I once were years ago. I have changed, people changed for better or worse. We all know in life, we will be hurt,, back stabbed by people who meant the world to us. If it's a broken arm, leg or bone, its going to hurt but it will heal. People who are broken inside sometimes are the happiest people on the outside, we cover our pain with smiles and laughter. How to recover from all the hurting? I guess I have no idea. Even the heart of gold can turn as cold as stone if it has been wounded in way too many times. I know some people will say yeah big deal, why can't she grow up and stop being so pathetic. Well tell me about it when you know how it feels like to be crying at night wishing you can sleep so your mind will stop working, and when you wake up in the morning you wish you could crawl back into bed again. I went through that for the past months.

I've been living my life half asleep.
And again, this is my personal blog, I may rant all I want.
I like building walls around my world. I feel safer this way. I tear it down once or twice and realize it was the biggest mistake so I built it higher and higher. People who care enough will find a way to knock it down, people who don't will just give up after a few tries. And, in the end if I keep on allowing myself to be defeated by my own insecurity and lack of trust in people, I know might end up hurting people who actually care and I might end up pushing them away.

"You said I began
This messy state of love affair
And I drink too much and smoke too fast
And this city's cleared my innocence
And I laugh out loud
My life is a mess
I have gone too far
In my lifelessness


Chunny said...

Reading your post makes me sad. Yes all the things that you have written here are all true. You can never trust anyone nowadays except yourself.

SandraC said...

i believe ur sadness is just a cloud of rain which will evaporate in the brightness of the sun.
build ur walls high because u can guard ur heart that way n not easily lose it to undeserving people.
u have fought bravely n i hope u continue to solider on my fren! =)

Angel Garcia said...

Honey, rant all you want because like you said it is your blog! I really enjoyed reading this..

Hugs! ~Angel

Muhammad Israr said...

hmmm..nicely written... yes maybe after some years when you would read your this post then you would feel different...

Rachel, Cold Knees said...

you can only count on yourself, but you have to learn to lean on others too.. I'm sure we all look back on ourselves as we were as teenagers, and laugh, and cry.. xx

Exótica said...

gorgeous outift <33


Dizzy said...

It is funny looking back at yourself and seeing how much you grown, and how experiences in your life has changed you for better or for worse.

I’m just glad too hear your healing and your starting to live life again. I respect you for pouring you heart in to this blog and it’s quite refreshing to read the honesty you give, even if it’s just part of it or a whole piece of you.

Building walls is natural everyone has built one thick or thin, low or tall, they have. And I agree with you if you want to get to know me you need to put in work and chip it away piece by piece, don’t expect to hit it once or twice and have the wall tumble down, and there is no draw-bridge to let you in. and I’m sorry people give up on you, but really if they gave up on you so easily, it was a good thing they left cuz you deserve better that. You're someone with a beautiful heart, if you believe from me or not you do and you are worthy of more than you think.

Anyways before I go on any further before writing a novel LOL I hope you have a good weekend and talk to yea soon 8)

Venoma said...

What a sweet blog you got here :) I love it :)

If you want, you can check out mine, I always follow back :)



Mia Dd. said...

You're delicious ♥ I can't find words to describe how I fell after I read your comments. I'm so thankful ♥

AmelyPhotography ♥

Sarah said...

Hey girl! Thanks for your comment! :) I hope you had a great time when you were away! :)

And I really love what you wrote in this post! It's kind of like I am sometimes...

I hope you are ok! :)
And I wish you a lovely day!
xoxo, Sarah <3

Nicolka said...

I can understand you, that's really the truth!

beside that: cute blog! lovely photos!

YrMngldHrt said...

Thanks for your comment! I'm fine... I guess. Have a lot to do for university, I miss my best friend and boys are stupid.
Hope you're getting better! I know that's easy to say, but I had really hard times in life and there is always something that is worth living for!

Steffys Pros and Cons said...

i love the dreamy feeling of your photo. and focus on positives... bc while the world may be a lot negative you yourself can be positive on the inside :)

<3 steffy
Steffys Pros and Cons

Sharmaine Ruth said...

Your blog is so pretty :) Thanks for commenting and subscribing to mine! (: I really appreciate it!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I'm kind of stunned right now. Reading this post was like reading my own diary. I can really relate to how you are feeling right now.

I also feel like I was a sweeter, nicer person several years ago but after having my heart brokeh, and dealing with backstabbing friends, I have become hardened.

I also build walls and sometimes there are people who fight to climb over them, but most of the time people give up.

I think we are in a transitional period right now. There is someone, out there, destined to break our barrier. And when that day happens, perhaps sunshine will be ours to keep....

Jessica said...

I'm glad to see you back on blogger. I've missed you!

I think that's what I like about blogs: the way you can share stuff from your daily life like outfits, outings, food, etc...

It can be whatever you want it to be, like your own personal journal. That's the beauty about it.
So rant, vent and post!
I think its always good to get your feelings out whether if its on a paper, to a person or on a blog post. As long as you feel comfortable and happy after it.

EevvaStyle said...

so cute!