Silence is more beautiful than Lies

Silence is painful but Lies..it might be comforting, in fact a temporary relief but lies are still lies, there will be no truth in it.

 Even the most sincere words and genuine feelings loses it's power. I could sit and write until I bleed. But will it be heard or understood? I am trying very hard, everyday to be happy. Very hard...

Bright side of my week is I am finally spending more time with Clementine (my camera has a name Yay), in an ugly word, here are 3 beautiful things (to me it is) which I have managed to capture.

If Music is what Feelings sound like

Joy

Meeting up with my girlfriends last night made me realize how amazing what a year can do. It's funny how close we become, I met all of them at Veronica's wedding, we're all her bridesmaid. They were all school mates and Pei Qi is Veronica's Uni mate. Now we're all best friends.

At Chantelle's birthday dinner, I'm amazed by how things have changed in everyone's life. Last year, all of them are excited about their weddings. This year, 3 of them are already happily married, Pei Qi met Sean, Joe just welcome her baby girl and Veronica is now 6 months pregnant.



Chantelle and her husband were schoolmates since they were 13, she have always had a crush on him but he didn't knew. She was a tomboy, and he was always making fun of her. The spark did not start a fire back then. Few years later, after high school was way past tense, only they bump into each other, started contacting again, dated and got married this year. It was really meant to be.

Everyone is glowing in happiness. At all gatherings, weddings, birthday dinners, I attended solo. They know I am going through a rough year so to cheer me up they jokingly said, "Who knows by next year, you won't be sitting alone, perhaps the empty chair next to you will be taken" and I just laugh it off and say "Happiness is expensive, and I could not afford it. But I am saving up to buy a spinster home and perhaps I could adopt a cat which is as grumpy as me."



One of the most wonderful feeling - watching your best friend venturing into another great chapter of life. Veron and Andrew's baby boy is on his way :)

Some people are so blessed. 

♫ of the moment: Fleetwood Mac - Dreams 

Electric Bird

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

The kindest message I have received from a dear friend, I am deeply moved. It made me cry and at the same time it made smile.

"Jasmine the flower, the girl who brighten up the days of people around her, even when the light in her own is dimming

1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Don't write for anyone. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. 

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to the world. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental society anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. Live.

Live Jasmine Live.."

Days without light

I carry this little hope in me, even when it's fading day by day, but I still carry this little hope..It's explainable how this little hope has kept me hanging on the cliff for so long. The price is - disappointment and pain. But it is a choice I have made and I am willing to the price. I don't want to spend my life pondering asking myself what I could have done to make a difference, I don't want to ask myself What If and I can't bare the fact to not take this risk. It's almost like placing a bet, there is no such thing as a safe bet, I wouldn't mind losing everything, what else is there to lose?

I carry this faith in hope of creating more good memories whenever I am able to see him. I want him to have more good things to remember, but it always end with me not being able to control my emotions. I ruined it all the time.

I carry this hope that perhaps by being sincere and honest with all my thoughts and feelings will make him understand what has been going in me. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes I have made in the past by hiding all my emotions and kept it inside, yet this time around I have failed to accept the truth that things has changed. And my words are nothing.

I carry this hope that if we can't be together, I am able to be his friend. And by being his friend, I am still able to care for him and to be there for him through his high and low. But I am too blind to see that perhaps he never needed a friend like me.

If 3 weeks ago, the last meet up will be the last time I seeing him which I never knew at that moment. I will drown in my own regrets because there are so much I wish I could have said and there is so much I wish I could have done....I could have given him the back massage that he has been asking for, I could have make my retarded face and we both could have laugh at it, we could have driven to MCDs and have supper, and I could have hug him before he left.

I thought we would have Hangover 3 together by now, I was waiting for him to ask. I thought he would remember. There is no chance for that....I will never have that chance to see him anymore, nor to look at him and at this moment, I might have not even hear from him anymore.

Where are you...dumddumb
If I could see you again, I will not ask all these stupid questions which has been haunting my head
I would stop my annoying crap
I would bottle up my feelings
I would shut my big mouth

What I really wish for now is just to hug you

                                          ♫ of the moment: The National - Lucky You

Like breathing was easy

1 year 11th month...