Monday, 3 June 2013

Days without light

I carry this little hope in me, even when it's fading day by day, but I still carry this little hope..It's explainable how this little hope has kept me hanging on the cliff for so long. The price is - disappointment and pain. But it is a choice I have made and I am willing to the price. I don't want to spend my life pondering asking myself what I could have done to make a difference, I don't want to ask myself What If and I can't bare the fact to not take this risk. It's almost like placing a bet, there is no such thing as a safe bet, I wouldn't mind losing everything, what else is there to lose?

I carry this faith in hope of creating more good memories whenever I am able to see him. I want him to have more good things to remember, but it always end with me not being able to control my emotions. I ruined it all the time.

I carry this hope that perhaps by being sincere and honest with all my thoughts and feelings will make him understand what has been going in me. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes I have made in the past by hiding all my emotions and kept it inside, yet this time around I have failed to accept the truth that things has changed. And my words are nothing.

I carry this hope that if we can't be together, I am able to be his friend. And by being his friend, I am still able to care for him and to be there for him through his high and low. But I am too blind to see that perhaps he never needed a friend like me.

If 3 weeks ago, the last meet up will be the last time I seeing him which I never knew at that moment. I will drown in my own regrets because there are so much I wish I could have said and there is so much I wish I could have done....I could have given him the back massage that he has been asking for, I could have make my retarded face and we both could have laugh at it, we could have driven to MCDs and have supper, and I could have hug him before he left.

I thought we would have Hangover 3 together by now, I was waiting for him to ask. I thought he would remember. There is no chance for that....I will never have that chance to see him anymore, nor to look at him and at this moment, I might have not even hear from him anymore.

Where are you...dumddumb
If I could see you again, I will not ask all these stupid questions which has been haunting my head
I would stop my annoying crap
I would bottle up my feelings
I would shut my big mouth

What I really wish for now is just to hug you

                                          ♫ of the moment: The National - Lucky You

1 comment:

JulesTLeigh said...

I read you!
Start walking.
Don't stand when the volcanoes are erupting.