Drifting in and out

Hello my old friend..

A year is a very long time to mourn, feels like forever for the person who is in grief. A laughing stock to the world who doesn't understand a single thing. All these sad songs, sometimes I wonder if one must have been so badly broken hearted to be able to write such songs. I save myself from drowning by emerging into work, I keep myself busy and by the time I got home, I was mentally exhausted and by living that way, it makes it so much easier for me to sleep. And boy, it feels good to be able to sleep. I had the worst Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year in 2012, Valentine's day this year was way out of the picture and I didn't even want to remember my birthday. I have vowed to not celebrate my stupid birthday anymore. I grab every single chance to go out with my friends, I drank almost every weekend in the past 2 months, I have successfully cheated my mind and distracted my heart. Not for long, but a temporarily relief is better than nothing. I've even managed to fool the world.

Forgetting is hard, so I've chosen to not think of things which are too painful to remember. But it hits like a boomerang at times, the more you avoids it, the harder it hits you back. That happened so often recently, memories came tapping on my shoulder, begging me to remember. All the emotions I have tried so hard erupted and there's nothing else I could do but to break down crying. It wasn't pleasant and it was probably the worst feeling one human could ever feel. My best friend Jon always say "we are the victims of unrequited love".

We forgive as we love, but...can a person honestly love such a dishonest thing..I've realized that some people will never change, nor honor their words. And this time around, it has finally taken the last stroll on me. I have nothing left for this person to crush nor destroy...

The Laughing Heart

I despise nights like this, my old friend insomnia has decided to surprise me without being invited. Brand new month, boy how 2013 ticks away. By all means, I am trying to spend lesser time on Facebook, most of my friends are in a wedding marathon, everyone is either busy getting married or posting up pictures of their babies. And that makes me feel old and bitter. 

Been doing a lot of research on non profit organizations. I wish I could just get away somewhere, do some volunteering work in a third world country. Meet new people, live in a new town and break the routine life here in Kuala Lumpur. It's funny and at the same time sad how I can't even afford on the courses which I stumble across on the internet. But I won't give up, I hope the opportunity will come real soon. 

At the mean time..here's my favorite poem by Charles Bukowski:

"Your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is a light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you."

 If music is what feelings sound like: Slowdive - When the Sun Hits

Life is Beautiful

The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.

 Through my camera, I am trying to find joy in the ordinary. :)

The glow in the eyes of the bride waiting for her groom

Cloud Watching

Non profit organizations :)

Acting ridiculous in public with your best friend and have a good laugh at it. I am a grumpy minion by the way 

Music has never been so good, I adore them. Their music is pure and genuine. Beautiful

I sold my soul, My friends bought it back for me

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself."  - Carrie Bradshaw

And through my darkest days, I find the glimpse of light through my friends. I wouldn't have make it without them. Sayings about friendship are cliche and overused. Life can be cruel, reality bites and there are days when I begin to wonder if I am a bad person to have to feel what I am feeling today, and I begin to question what have I done wrong to deserve this pain I have to go through.

Then I realized, life is fair because I am blessed with unconditional love from my friends.
And for that I know in their eyes, I am a good person.

                    If music is what feelings sound like: Katie Melua - No Fear Of Heights

A Stranger's home without a heart

I called in sick today, I hope I won't be in trouble as I have been doing it so frequently this year. Mentally unfit to report for work is an unacceptable reason, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed and I didn't want to go to work looking the way I am now. I refrained from writing because my emotions tend to take over when I write, I stayed away from anything which will trigger my memory.

A good friend once said, it feels good didn't it, when you have finally gained back your appetite, or simple thing like being able to fall asleep nicely. Those are the littlest things we've been taking for granted when we're happy. For a while there, I was really grateful I am able to sleep without being woken up with an ache in my heart. For a while there, I thought hey I am finally ready to see my friends, I am able to laugh and smile again. And just for that a while, I have been feeling alright and just when I thought that feeling would last, something happened again. A promise which meant a lot  was broken, and he did not realize how it breaks me. Does contacting that person worth losing me?  The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth. I am hurt, I am really really hurt. And it scares me because I didn't want to go back to square one, I have tried so hard through out this entire year to not feel that way again. I am terrified because I have started to lose sleep again for the past few nights. I broke down in the car yesterday, I was so ashamed because I didn't want my mum to see me cry. I feel like I have been everyone's burden, they didn't know how to save me because I couldn't save myself. God knows how hard I've tried, how many unheard prayers in my sleepless nights, I did not ask for anything, I just ask and pray to be ok.

I feel empty, like a walking dead without a soul. I told everyone I did not want to celebrate my birthday this year. In fact I have decided to not celebrate my birthdays anymore. On 2nd of July, I went to work, I pushed myself to work so I won't stay at home and be miserable. I was waiting for that call, I was hoping that he would have at least remembered. It's not just my birthday, 2 years ago this was the day we met. That call never came, instead I received a casual one line generic birthday message on my Facebook. At that moment, I told myself, enough of grief already. Mourn, for the old me for she has died. It has been a year without light, I don't know how many times have I died this year. That night before I went to bed, as I close my eyes, I remembered how funny it was when we met. He said the dumbest thing and it crack a smile on my face. And as tears are rolling down again, I push away all the memories for this person has changed. 

I told my friends I am fine, I lied. I have been lying to everyone but not to him. Because I didn't even want to tell him how I am really doing. I avoided the questions because I couldn't lie and say I am doing great, I wasn't. And if I were to tell him the truth, it will only make him feel bad and obliged.

I cut my hair twice this year, it took me 3 long years to get to my length and it took only minutes to chop it all off. As cliche as it sound, I thought by cutting off anything which is weighing me down will make me feel lighter inside. It did not, I find it silly how women who are going through difficult times think by cutting off their hair resembles a fresh start. It makes me feel crappier inside to be honest. I feel like smashing the mirror whenever I look at my own reflection. I felt stupid.

My best friend said to me this morning "He did not leave you by force, he choose to leave you, it was by choice and he has left you long time ago"  What amused me the most is, despite all the pain, I am still very much in love with a person who does not and will not love me back I am too blind to see that he is too deaf to hear me. And when I hurt, I hurt alone. He has moved on, he seems to be doing great and I am glad he did. I am stuck in the same pace, I took one or two steps forward and ended up running a mile backwards. Which finally lead me to make the hardest move by choosing to cut myself off completely. Staying as friends hurts me, it makes me feel like I care and he doesn't and I didn't want him to be nice to me out of sympathy  It makes no sense, and I tend to forget what I am and what I am not. I am only an ex. I belong in the past. And above all it is because I know the longer I linger, the more it will hurt me. What really hurt me most is, he couldn't be bothered to protect me from this emotional mess I am going through,and to realize I am not needed, nor am I important breaks me inside out. I can't afford to go through another emotional breakdown. 

I get the picture now.

                 If music is what feelings sound like: Jason Mraz- Details in The fabric

Markéta Irglová - Divine Timing

Time, how does it go? 

Sometimes fast, other times slow

But when I’m with you, time disappears

Weeks can feel like days, days can feel like years

I stood with you, time stood still.

Can you kill time? Can time kill?

Can we stay in our timeless romance? 

Freedom, what does it mean?

Is it worth being chased or does it come from within? 

Having the freedom of choice, isn’t that being free? 

Could you freely choose to be bound to me? 

When I met you, the planets did align, 

and is it not true, the timing was divine? 

Too soon is as bad as too late, 

Yet here we are, and was it not fate?

That brought you to me, that brought me to you? 

I will be good, I will be true, 

But I will not tie our love in chains

We can run wild if neither pulls the reins

We can run free and have adventures of our own

Take the time, if you need to be alone

Silence is more beautiful than Lies

Silence is painful but Lies..it might be comforting, in fact a temporary relief but lies are still lies, there will be no truth in it.

 Even the most sincere words and genuine feelings loses it's power. I could sit and write until I bleed. But will it be heard or understood? I am trying very hard, everyday to be happy. Very hard...

Bright side of my week is I am finally spending more time with Clementine (my camera has a name Yay), in an ugly word, here are 3 beautiful things (to me it is) which I have managed to capture.

If Music is what Feelings sound like

Joy

Meeting up with my girlfriends last night made me realize how amazing what a year can do. It's funny how close we become, I met all of them at Veronica's wedding, we're all her bridesmaid. They were all school mates and Pei Qi is Veronica's Uni mate. Now we're all best friends.

At Chantelle's birthday dinner, I'm amazed by how things have changed in everyone's life. Last year, all of them are excited about their weddings. This year, 3 of them are already happily married, Pei Qi met Sean, Joe just welcome her baby girl and Veronica is now 6 months pregnant.



Chantelle and her husband were schoolmates since they were 13, she have always had a crush on him but he didn't knew. She was a tomboy, and he was always making fun of her. The spark did not start a fire back then. Few years later, after high school was way past tense, only they bump into each other, started contacting again, dated and got married this year. It was really meant to be.

Everyone is glowing in happiness. At all gatherings, weddings, birthday dinners, I attended solo. They know I am going through a rough year so to cheer me up they jokingly said, "Who knows by next year, you won't be sitting alone, perhaps the empty chair next to you will be taken" and I just laugh it off and say "Happiness is expensive, and I could not afford it. But I am saving up to buy a spinster home and perhaps I could adopt a cat which is as grumpy as me."



One of the most wonderful feeling - watching your best friend venturing into another great chapter of life. Veron and Andrew's baby boy is on his way :)

Some people are so blessed. 

♫ of the moment: Fleetwood Mac - Dreams 

Electric Bird

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.” ― Patrick Rothfuss

The kindest message I have received from a dear friend, I am deeply moved. It made me cry and at the same time it made smile.

"Jasmine the flower, the girl who brighten up the days of people around her, even when the light in her own is dimming

1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Don't write for anyone. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. 

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to the world. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental society anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. Live.

Live Jasmine Live.."

Days without light

I carry this little hope in me, even when it's fading day by day, but I still carry this little hope..It's explainable how this little hope has kept me hanging on the cliff for so long. The price is - disappointment and pain. But it is a choice I have made and I am willing to the price. I don't want to spend my life pondering asking myself what I could have done to make a difference, I don't want to ask myself What If and I can't bare the fact to not take this risk. It's almost like placing a bet, there is no such thing as a safe bet, I wouldn't mind losing everything, what else is there to lose?

I carry this faith in hope of creating more good memories whenever I am able to see him. I want him to have more good things to remember, but it always end with me not being able to control my emotions. I ruined it all the time.

I carry this hope that perhaps by being sincere and honest with all my thoughts and feelings will make him understand what has been going in me. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes I have made in the past by hiding all my emotions and kept it inside, yet this time around I have failed to accept the truth that things has changed. And my words are nothing.

I carry this hope that if we can't be together, I am able to be his friend. And by being his friend, I am still able to care for him and to be there for him through his high and low. But I am too blind to see that perhaps he never needed a friend like me.

If 3 weeks ago, the last meet up will be the last time I seeing him which I never knew at that moment. I will drown in my own regrets because there are so much I wish I could have said and there is so much I wish I could have done....I could have given him the back massage that he has been asking for, I could have make my retarded face and we both could have laugh at it, we could have driven to MCDs and have supper, and I could have hug him before he left.

I thought we would have Hangover 3 together by now, I was waiting for him to ask. I thought he would remember. There is no chance for that....I will never have that chance to see him anymore, nor to look at him and at this moment, I might have not even hear from him anymore.

Where are you...dumddumb
If I could see you again, I will not ask all these stupid questions which has been haunting my head
I would stop my annoying crap
I would bottle up my feelings
I would shut my big mouth

What I really wish for now is just to hug you

                                          ♫ of the moment: The National - Lucky You

Like breathing was easy

1 year 11th month...

My Best Friends' Weddings

According to Chinese legend, the deity in charge of "the red thread" is believed to be Yuè Xià Lǎo ,  the old lunar matchmaker god who is also in charge of marriages.

The two souls tied up by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. 

 I once asked a good friend a silly question, what makes her want to get married and her answer is "I got tired of searching and endlessly dating the wrong people. With him, I knew right away that I have found the one"

Growing up in a broken family, I have never believed in marriage. Mum told me how my dad promises her the world. She believed he would take her away from hell, my  mum has gone through a bad childhood and I won’t write much about that now because I have much respect and love for my late grandparents. My dad turns his back and walked out on us when I was 6, leaving my mum with 3 children to raise by herself. He puts her in hell and what kind of man would abandon his family? A coward. In my teenage years, I watched how my mum’s sister was cheated by her husband with her best friend and ended up in a divorce. My aunt has been dating her ex husband since she was 15, it was a bitter ending but the women in my family are strong..well except me..

Last year, I was running the bridesmaid marathon. I watched how my friends and their partners embraced a new chapter of life. Weddings are beautiful, in fact it's a celebration of love and that's where you get to hear the most emotional and powerful vows. The last wedding I attended in January, I was busy checking my phone to see if there's any calls or texts. It has been days and there is no reply to all my E-mails and texts, no return calls.. In the dinner reception, one can feel so lost and empty even when you are surrounded by friends. It was one of the worst feeling, I wish I could erase how I felt on that night.

I guess it must be wonderful to be able to grow old with the person you love.
Someone who sees a future with you, a man who will not destroy you.

In my dreams, we grow old together

  ♫ of the moment:  The Shins - Simple song

Closest Thing To Crazy

Isn't it amazing when you think about how two strangers cross path in life. It might be a coincidence, it might happen at the perfect time, to me it's Fate. With chemistry, strangers become friends, I do remember what it's like to have butterflies in my stomach, how nervous I am during our first date, and how I blushed when I kissed him for the first time.

Slowly the walls came down, secretly you let your guards down. Just the thought of that person makes you feel that no day is a bad no matter how horrible it is. A phone call, a text, an e-mail and even just a silly tweet can actually brighten up your day. What a feeling!

The littlest thing like grocery shopping together, turn on the music while you are cooking together, waking up next to each other and to have the spaces in between your fingers being filled up with his. Things which are so simple yet so wonderful. He has become a part of your life, the attachment is there, the feelings are there.

Then one day you wake up and everything is gone, people changed, feelings changed. I could sense that something is changing, something is missing, I could feel the fear and insecurities eating me up inside. The signs are there but I refused to accept it. Bit by bit, it makes me lose my sanity, my mind is so clouded that I couldn't even tell what is right and what is wrong. All I could think about is how can I fix it, how can I make things right again. The pain...I have no words to describe it. It's almost like dying slowly in the most painful way inside even though I am perfectly fine on the outside. It may sound so pathetic to so many people, self-pride, ego and dignity are nothing because I am in love, I am honestly in love with this person.

There are two sides to every story. On my part, I want to make him happy, I want us to be us again, I am ready to be a better person, all I want is to love and to be loved in return. But things don't work that way, if a person wanted out, he will find a way out. What's the point of wanting a person to stay If that is not what he wants, I am not what he wants. To love is to be selfless, to love is wanting the other person to feel happy, to give him the freedom to do what he wants to and to not hold him back just because I wanted to be with him. Nothing is more terrifying than to know that his heart has change. It wasn't easy for me to accept, and on the other hand I try to put myself in that person's shoes, I guess it wasn't easy for him as well to tell me he didn't want to do it anymore. 

Truth is, what is love? Will a person just wakes up one day and decided to not love you anymore. Or perhaps there is someone better who wipes you out from his heart. I don't know, I will never understand and I don't have to. Some questions are better left unanswered if the answers are not gonna do any help especially when you are in an emotional wreck.

It takes two..not one, not three. No one is right, and no one is wrong when things fall apart. No fingers pointing, no hate speeches, no grudges. There will only be acceptance. Everything happen for a reason, and  the only way I could make myself feel better is to find the blessings in disguise, learn and really move on. Not much option left anyway..

It's time for my heart to go on a long hibernation, it has been damaged enough. It's funny how it's really circle after all, it begin with being strangers and ended as strangers.

Sometimes the best thing you could do for a person is really just to let them go. And by that I mean, letting go with love.

I wish you love and all the best things in life.
♫ of the moment:  Corinne Bailey Rae -Just Like A Star

My heart officially died today

“Have you ever been in love?

 Horrible isn't it?

 It makes you so vulnerable. 

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and 

it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

 You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. 

They didn't ask for it. 

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, 

and then your life isn't your own anymore.

 Love takes hostages

.It gets inside you. 

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, 

so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. 

It hurts.

 Not just in the imagination. 

Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. 

I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman